When I was a child, I would fantasise of being all grown up. Sleeping at night I would faithfully pray hoping that when I woke up the following day, I would be 17 going on 21. As I opened my eyes the following day, I would put my prayer to test by carrying out a visual sweep across the room to see whether my surroundings had changed. In my mind I knew that if I happened to wake up in a different environment than the one I previously slept in, then surely, I must be 17, going on 21. I can confirm to you that it took the usual number of mornings and nights to take me to 17, going on 21. Let me confess though that on those few occasional mornings when I woke up in a different environment you could have felt the leap of my heart ; just to realise I had spent the night at a relatives' place.
As certain as time is, I become an adult. Sometime after the grown up honeymoon was over, I begun to envy younger ages;there is so much innocence, being carefree is as natural as breathing. I bypassed the desire to revert back both chronologically and emotionally with swift and readily embraced what lay ahead of me. In my experiences, I have felt it when an innocence has left me. "But that happens to all of us." You might be thinking. "Its called growing up." You assert haughtily at me. Hear me out. I shall be talk about this a little later. Am not talking about chronological age or physical development. "I will never be the same again." Have you not heard someone say this to you in a tone that made you turn your head in their direction, look into his or her eyes and see the conviction? You have heard it when people whisper to one another in low tones, "Anyone would be changed by this." In my observation, it is those 'growing pains' that we perceive punitive that we pay more emphasis on. And it makes absolute sense because they leave the most impression in our lives. I can count the fingers on my one hand of individuals I know who have vocalised capitalising on a pleasant experience. We are simply not as overt about the bad as we are about the good. It is not that we love to complain.I think, it is a way of venting and inviting responses that we hope shall calm our hearts and minds, especially should the responses convince us that what we are going through is a common phenomena.
Coming back to growing up, it is the most painful that is most life altering. I read somewhere that if it does not hurt, it does not instruct. Listen, am all for making leaps and bounds of life. What I am challenging however is the notion that it has to hurt? It may or may not be the same theme each time. What am saying is that does not have to hurt.I am at this phase where am thinking, ENOUGH!Am tired of hurting!I am going to change my perspective on how I perceive on the inside looking out.Am going to start by listening to my instincts. I dare say that I shall beat the juju of repeated cycles. These other outward signs merely appeal to my ID and ego. Like a moth to a flame, I am more than once drawn this way and that way. Consequently, I lose that which I had initially intended to address. Once this understanding sinks in, instantly, I notice a calm dawn in my being. The mumble jumble that comes in juggling the aspects of life with visual perception is suddenly a far distance. It is so far and in between that the sound of dead ground can be heard. Then just like that I realise my true age. No more no less, and that each age of my life has a lesson and knowing too much too soon shall make me old. I may be tempted to discard the fiery light that illuminates my path, thinking its more than I can take. Just a little longer, that is how long I need to hold on. Just a little longer and then I begin all over again.
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