What I want you about your father's absence

My dear daughter.As I write this, my heart is bleeding blood and tears. Yet I have a calm inside of me because I now know what I must do.Am writing you this letter because I need you to know that you are loved. I know that you are too young to understand what I want you to know today but a day is coming when you will ask these questions; out loud and in your heart.
Let me begin by saying you were conceived in love. Your father and I talked about having you and we would often joke that you will look like your father.Talking about you even before conception brought great joy to us. You must own this fact as you should in all I am going to say to you.I never want you to ever let the thought of being a problem child, either to me or your father, to cross you mind, wound your soul and rob you of innocence.You are very separate from me and him.You have your life to live.We have lived ours by the choices we made.
Your father is not with you not because he did not want you but because he is a broken man. That does not mean that if I found this out earlier, I would have not have had you.No! I came to realise the nature of your father when you were in gestation.I thought I could weather it, if only for your sake.But it became clear that especially for your sake, I had to be as far away from him as possible. It was especially necessary given how your older half brothers had turned out.You will have a fleeting thought that he was the way he was to me and by extension, you because I brought that out in him. You would be right because I thought the same too. My child, let it be just that, a thought that will go up like mist during sunrise. It took me precious time to unveil this skewed thought. I need not wonder how my life would have turned out, or the kind of woman you would have grown up to be, I just know it would have been unfortunate. There were many incidents but I shall tell you some of them, if only to help you understand. It was the time I had a car accident and he accused me of being careless and never bothered to followup on your status.It is when I was unwell in the house and needed medical attention. I called him, he never responded. I justified this treatment with the fact that he did not fully appreciate pregnancy, he's a guy, right?It was on the day of your birth when he said he would be back in 15 min, he never returned.It was the following morning when I called him with information that I had to go for a cesarean section, he said he was on his way, he never came.It was during that time that he saw you for two minutes, three days after your birth and scolded me for not taking care of you since like any newborn child you were crying.It was when it was time for me to go home and I took you with me to my house.
I thought that was not too bad. Now that you were here, flesh and blood, surely he would actively take part in your growth.That too was killed. He failed to remit your child support money. It was after I begged that he would deposit this money in my account.It would be in bits and pieces.It would be at the middle of the month.Sometimes, there would be nothing.
Still I kept the faith.Still I hoped he would come round. In my anguish I felt compelled and drooped you off in the middle of the night at his house.He brought you a few hours later and I refused to take you back.I thought, "you do it, I want my life back!" The following day, he brought you back and I have never been happier to see you. You are my life.
He was to one day accuse me of fathering you with a man who was a mutual friend that we both loved and respected. He would go further and ask for a DNA test. That, I thought was the last straw. I had seen nothing yet. I came to learn that your father married two weeks ago. As I write this to you, I do not know the future. I am certain however that it is one without him.

The ritual for closure

It is motivating to have a reason to do something that you have been putting off for sometime. My reason today is that it is the season of lent. What would I not do for my God? Its more than not eating meat. It is greater than giving up on beer and cigarettes. It is more demanding than abstaining from sex. Going by the tenets of lent, I have to zero in on this aspect of my life that makes me feel like a mad woman, that is to say, doing the same things over and over in the same way and reaping similar dysfunctional results. Thus making me fall short of being a 'good' christian.

It begun about 3years ago. I met him by virtue of the nature of my job and his. I emphasis this because, given what I know now, I would never ever have met him otherwise. It therefore makes sense to me that I had to meet him. My meeting him was all part of the grand design.

I thought he was cute, he made conversation easily and appeared to be a good listener, very charming, he wore a very savvy and manly scented cologne; the kind that when given a peck you would after some time still catch the scent off your cheek if, the wind blew in the right direction. He was always neatly dressed in a suit and tie and very clean. We would meet 'accidentally' and have a drink, share a story or two, make fun and that is it. It was the holiday season, you know the time when family get together. They share nyama choma, going shags or Olepolos, attending mass, decorating the Christmas tree, sharing an overcrowded bed, catching up on who did what, when and with who. As a young single person,you know you cannot spend all the season indulging in these activities. You want to take some time out with your boo and go to Mombasa or The Mara, anywhere really, as long you can get away from it all. It is quite lonely therefore to be on your own during this season. And that is how I was during that season. What compounds the issue further is that a few months ago I had just broken off a long term relationship. It was therefore the first time I was being alone after a very long while. No family. No lovers. Just me.

I decided to take a drive from my house.This ride led me to the club. The parking lot was deserted. At the entrance, the Club Christmas tree stood out with its many lights and multicolored hangons, the star of David proudly illuminated on the peak of the tree as if to say, "I know the way." The usual suspects were not in the lounge area. The Christmas season calls for no compromise. During those visits to shags all must be seen to be a complete and fully functional family. The people I caught sight of were mostly waiters. I picked a table that was overlooking the lawns and as I was ordering my drink, I saw him. We exchanged the usual salutations and yes, I got the nostalgic peck on the cheek then he excused himself. I was enjoying the view and my drink;rum and coke when my phone alerted me that I had message. I took it out, slide it open and observed that he had sent IT. Christmas wishes, I guessed, I clicked on 'read'. "Do you know that I love you?" It announced. I was pleasantly surprised. I did not quite know what to make of it so I continued sipping my drink. In that disposition, suddenly I stopped feeling the breeze on my face, my vision narrowed to the distance of my phone as I read it over and over, my brows were knitted as my awareness slowly but surely begun to turn inward."What the heck!Live a little." The voice in my head said. I agreed. "Do you know that I love you too?" I wrote back. And that is where it all begun. It is on this day, at that moment, as a consequence of my reply that triggered what has come to be the nightmare that is my life.