The ritual for closure

It is motivating to have a reason to do something that you have been putting off for sometime. My reason today is that it is the season of lent. What would I not do for my God? Its more than not eating meat. It is greater than giving up on beer and cigarettes. It is more demanding than abstaining from sex. Going by the tenets of lent, I have to zero in on this aspect of my life that makes me feel like a mad woman, that is to say, doing the same things over and over in the same way and reaping similar dysfunctional results. Thus making me fall short of being a 'good' christian.

It begun about 3years ago. I met him by virtue of the nature of my job and his. I emphasis this because, given what I know now, I would never ever have met him otherwise. It therefore makes sense to me that I had to meet him. My meeting him was all part of the grand design.

I thought he was cute, he made conversation easily and appeared to be a good listener, very charming, he wore a very savvy and manly scented cologne; the kind that when given a peck you would after some time still catch the scent off your cheek if, the wind blew in the right direction. He was always neatly dressed in a suit and tie and very clean. We would meet 'accidentally' and have a drink, share a story or two, make fun and that is it. It was the holiday season, you know the time when family get together. They share nyama choma, going shags or Olepolos, attending mass, decorating the Christmas tree, sharing an overcrowded bed, catching up on who did what, when and with who. As a young single person,you know you cannot spend all the season indulging in these activities. You want to take some time out with your boo and go to Mombasa or The Mara, anywhere really, as long you can get away from it all. It is quite lonely therefore to be on your own during this season. And that is how I was during that season. What compounds the issue further is that a few months ago I had just broken off a long term relationship. It was therefore the first time I was being alone after a very long while. No family. No lovers. Just me.

I decided to take a drive from my house.This ride led me to the club. The parking lot was deserted. At the entrance, the Club Christmas tree stood out with its many lights and multicolored hangons, the star of David proudly illuminated on the peak of the tree as if to say, "I know the way." The usual suspects were not in the lounge area. The Christmas season calls for no compromise. During those visits to shags all must be seen to be a complete and fully functional family. The people I caught sight of were mostly waiters. I picked a table that was overlooking the lawns and as I was ordering my drink, I saw him. We exchanged the usual salutations and yes, I got the nostalgic peck on the cheek then he excused himself. I was enjoying the view and my drink;rum and coke when my phone alerted me that I had message. I took it out, slide it open and observed that he had sent IT. Christmas wishes, I guessed, I clicked on 'read'. "Do you know that I love you?" It announced. I was pleasantly surprised. I did not quite know what to make of it so I continued sipping my drink. In that disposition, suddenly I stopped feeling the breeze on my face, my vision narrowed to the distance of my phone as I read it over and over, my brows were knitted as my awareness slowly but surely begun to turn inward."What the heck!Live a little." The voice in my head said. I agreed. "Do you know that I love you too?" I wrote back. And that is where it all begun. It is on this day, at that moment, as a consequence of my reply that triggered what has come to be the nightmare that is my life.