Valentine Postmortem thoughts phase two.

I still feel lucky. Valentine's day like any other day is what you make of it. You must be thinking that just because the object of your affection is not near presently or you are single,then Valentine's day is not in the cards for you. Courtesy of your indoctrination, you spend the day by staying indoors, not idle,oh no! You go complete the circle by wallowing the misery of your predicament. It makes sense to do this right?After all, how can you bear witness to lovers straddling hand in hand in intimate union, bouquet of flowers displayed in every free space;the whiff of the roses assaulting your nostrils reminding you once again that you are missing out on something. The most painful aspect of being alone on this day is the sense of 'something' that hangs pregnant in the air. Having understood this once then again in the following year, we lay the groundwork to ensure we have a 'handbag', if only to meet the requirements of that day. If we fail, we still fully fulfill the what is expected of us on Valentines day by becoming 'chips funga'. In time though, after this redundancy, it is time to be still.
Next year Valentines day is on a Sunday. Realise it is a day not only for couples but also for the single, for the separated, for the divorced, for the widowed and for the dumped. The only prerequisite is that you love yourself and have the ability to share in the other peoples' love. So. Write a new script!

Valentine postmortem thoughts Phase One

I do not recall what I did for Valentine’s day the year before last. I was in a relationship at the time. This insight was an aha moment. Almost a week after Valentines day which fell squarely on a weekend (pressure!!!) and I feel like lucky. What is it about? To the men, is it the verbal confessions of love and pledging your loyalty in the form of delivery in flowers and chocolates? Ultimately the unveiling of good loving as a reward in the darkness of night! To the women, this day is planned for. The clothes, the makeup, the knickers, the scent and the scene. There is a lot of pressure to be the best that you can be on this day. Is it for ourselves? Is it so it can obvious to all and sundry that indeed, we are loved!
I was witness to a woman beaten on this day. She was chased out of her home barely dressed. Did I mention she was married? I know of a woman who spent that day wallowing in emotional self flagellation. It was in between wiping her tear stained face and sniffling that the agony of her spinsterhood was verbalized.
What is it about? What really are the cracks about it? I braced myself for this day the moment January birthed February. Self-preservation? Yes indeed. Flowers? What if I buy myself a bouquet of flowers every fortnight made up of white lilies mixed with red and white roses, fillers and ferns? It’s the chocolate you say. I never want for it because there is always some in my refrigerator. That is not enough, I know. We want these things to be handed to us by the apple of our eye, with affection, might I add. On the same breathe men to want to deliver these niceties to a warm blooded animal which bears the capacity to appreciate such a gesture.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is where the rubber meets the road.

Now that some time has passes.I have no doubt that emotions have simmered.Dont know what am talking about?Look up my blog tomorrow. mtangasheha@blogger.com

yet to decide

the 1st ten highlights of my life

1. losses of innocence and gains in wisdom


2. The hazy battle within the walls of myself


3. Selective Amnesia


4. Quest of making sense of my life


5. My vocation, my life, my person and my love


6. Charting the course of my life


7. The quiet room; thoughts of hopelessness and helpless, death by suicide, anxieties, failures


8. God, my religion, my belief.Exorcising my demons.


9. Exercising my gift wholly; creative burst


10. Bridging


11. The ongoing work

EPIGRAM

It is difficult to will to mind a single event in the archives of my being and declare," indeed, it is right here, this is where it happened." The proverbial light bulb has lit inside me many many times.I had one last night as I slept.I have noticed that there has to be an element of intensity to provoke this enlightenment.I have observed that I am either high or low, with a dash of despair or hope.

Yes indeed, at every stage of my life, I have grown, painfully, mostly. This pain and growth has also taught me to appreciate the joy and laughter that is propelled from the deepest and most calm centers of my being. If it was not for the feeling of joy, I do not think I would have the faith to endure another painful grwoth. Joy keeps the promise of answering to the call of giving hope without being willed or sort after. But it is not till very recently that I understood this.Let me tell you, I see it as one with me till the day that I shall die.

I have matured mentally, sensually, physiaclly, intellectually, spiritually and emotionally due to my thought processes.Simple. To read the expression of an individual in words that read, "I think this is what life is about." Books have opened up my experience to ideas I would never have conceived. I have a story to tell too.I want to share with you, what I think life is about, in my humble yet authoritative opinion. You may agree with it, let it expand your mind. It may repulse you, that does not mean you should stop your quest to understanding your life.

My initial awakening came to me at a time I was shrouded with ignorance and in oblivion. I failed to recognize the signs of agitation to unstick myself from the path that I was not meant to be on.I was stuck because my thinking was skewed, my behavior was mediocre, my emotions were underdeveloped thus fearfully fluid, the company I kept was largely out of touch with any life beyond what we could get gratification from. No questions were posed to ponder over.I was stuck because there was nothing remarkable about me on behalf of myself. You are thinking I had esteem issues.Let me STOP you right there.Follow me through an alternative thought process.I knew I was beautiful, witty, charming and outgoing. I knew my life was just fabulous and I was great person.I just did not realise it could be a better life, more rewarding, than I would have ever imagined.

Are there topics you can never initiate?Are there topics you are uncomfortable contributing to?Have you ever been in a situation where until it came up, you did not realize you were touchy about some stuff.

Human sexuality is the topic that popped open my Pandora's box.The assignments were extremely personal and demanded piercing introspection through reflection. I often wonder whether if I had had a peek into the resultant of this exercise, I would have dared venture. I can confidently state though that if it was not it, it would have been something else.Life always finds a way to put all of us in our individual paths. No. It is never painless.

It was the Summer of 2002, I was a sophomore at the time. My major ws Psychology. Durign that quarter, I signed up for a Human Sexuality course. Due to my major I would have done it anyway but I was thrilled,the course had all prior students hailing it, especailly becasue of the lecturer. Mrs Judy Moor, that was her name. She was a registered nurse and had done her masters in Counsling Psychology. Her husband worked for the UN, UNEP, I think. They lived in Runda and had had to travel 3000 miles for this job. She was the accompaning souse and hated to stay idle, that is how she ended up teaching in USIU, to keep busy.

You must appreciate your place at the time you are in. To be young, to me, means, alot of distractions.This is because there is stuff that is more appealing yet less rewarding. As a young person you learn that instant gratification has a price to be paid.Think things through.Take the time either in the morning or in the evening.Whatever time of day, set some time aside and ask your self this questions

1. What am I doing? The answer ought to cover present and transitional, rewarding and fulfilling.


2. What do I need to do first?The answer to this question will help you prioritise. This is because everything looks so darn important, yet you are only one person.Failure to answer this question shall frustrate you, make you appear and feel disorganized and you shall fail to carry out certain tasks which are imperative.


3. What do I do next? It helps you create rhythm in your tasks.The answer to this question will give your tasks a tune. What great about this is that you shall have a melody that you enjoy and sway to.


4. What is likey to go wrong?You must answer this question.Your answer need not be well thought out.The idea is to help you prepare for unforeseen ugly heads.


5. What would I like to be like at the end of the day? It all comes down to the last thought you are feeling that hoovers in your mind and heart as you are going to bed. In the morning , this is the motivation that makes you get out of bed.

Peace being more than the absence of war

Peace as a function of our deep inner life

Peace as joyful living

Peace as found in the midst of life and not retreating from it.

Peace as an indepeddent achievement of money, control, recognititon and fame, a home and car, a cut above peers socially.

what does peace mean to me?

Am I comfortable with the amount and quality of peace in my life?

Acheieving peace by using our gifts; self awareness, conscienc, indepenent will and creative imagination.

The STUMBLIING BLOCKS IN MY LIFE

Do you ever in your quite time, wonder, "what is about me that; separtes me from my destiny, distances me from what is promised to me?

You have tried everything. You have the education, you are a good person, you go to church, yuo pray, your parents say you are good child, you realte well with yuor siblings, you are fairly likable, amybe you have never even tried dowing drugs, or maybe you have.You have done it all right, all through the way, you have followed the path marked, "follow me for the good life."Yet you cannot give witness to the good life.

"Maybe it is something about me". It suddenly dawns on you. You realsie it must be true becasue when you think about it, you know it is true even though no one else does.There maybe someone else who does know but have you been ready or willing to listen?It must coem from you.

Mine are two, oh sorry, past tense, mine were two.

1. discouragement

Building a life on illusion instead of principle

The consequences of climbing ladders aganist the wrong walls.

How do I know this?I suffer burnout of work and life, depressing debt, broken and painfull re;ationships, stagnation, disillision, lack of vision, imbalance,failure to act with integrity, urgency, lethargy of intellect, engaging in inconsequential and idle talk.

I need to muster courage therefore. The knowledge of life's balanced prinicples,

1. Pride

A few lines in 3 days.That is what an ancient guru writer once confessed in the company of another. "I can do a thousand words in the same number of days."Replied his counterpart. "My few thought out lines will transcend an eternity, what do you say about your hundred, hurriedly done?"

what is it, really?

Happiness,
A side effect of deep pursuit or a result of self delusion
Happiness,
The absence of sadness
Happiness,
An expression once mirrored to the world is a face with a smile
Happiness,
To sprint forth from inside myself or it is how the world affects me

Time! A healer?

It has been time gone
It has been times passed
The nights have borne day
The days have birthed nights

Indeed, it been sometime now

I get on with myself
I know all else is shelved
With glee I find myself
Loudly,is how I laugh

Indeed, it has been sometime now

Then I hear, "you changed my whole world....... am feeling all superhuman you gave that to me".
Suddenly, the days and nights close rank and it is like the way it was when I felt you take flight from my heart.

Indeed it has been sometome now.
So what?
I miss you still.

A life of all ease and comfort may not as wonderful as we think it would be.Only through losses do we gain appreciation for a bird in hand.Through a broken heart do we make emotional maturity milestones.It is through the appreciation of the exsitence of evil that we recognise and hold on to what is good.It is the overcoming of this trying moments, with dignity that we gain an appreciation of our inner reserves.

What am feeling and thinking right now

Lately I have been numb.I have been looking around and the world around me is depressing.I read the newspapers, I am assaulted by information on death, abuse, corruption, hunger and famine,bad politics that have me saying (read yelling) to the speaker,"Shut up, what are you saying?Take a minute and listen to yourself.On who's behalf are you speaking?Leech!" I charge that the current dark cloud that hangs on our beloved country is a weight carried by all citizenry.No exemptions.I will not argue on the suppositions of Ifs.If there were no politicians we would have a better life, all round.No no no no.Imagine a Kenya were all farmers submitted their produce to the national serial and produce board, which in turn had the modality of working in liaison with the ministry of transport, arid areas and other relevant ones where food would be distributed in good time.No Kenyan would go hungry.Imagine a water ministry that ensured water was conserved by harvesting rain water, recycling,building dams, encouraging irrigation, piping water to every home.Imagine a Kenya where rest-stops were put up along the highway for long distance travels for both goods and people.Imagine a Kenya where highway patrol had the audacity to request you to slow down or be arrested, demand that you put warning signs once your vehicle stalls, further go ahead to help you seek assistance and gather the courage to stop your journey immediately you are deemed unfit to drive.Imagine a Kenya where schools curriculum were prepared with the forethought of guiding young people discover andbuild on their gifts.Imagine a Kenya where our youth think of the future they are exploring options.Imagine a Kenya where despair is met with empathy and a helping hand.Imagine a Kenya where you worked hard and were rewarded by meeting your basic needs, investing some of it in your future and still had a little bit to hang out with your friends and enjoy a drink and bites.Imagine a Kenya where our hospital staff had the time to listen because they are not suffering from burn out due to long hours.Imagine a Kenya where we happen to mind our own business and yet say hi to our next door neighbor.Imagine our homes are not within the confines of a 12foot concrete and electrified wall, with dobermans and Alsatians being guided by a contracted security firm, burglar proofing that is fortified with trip alarms, a maasai rungu and Somali sword lying under our beds. Forget rolling down your window on a hot sunny day, imagine a Kenya where you can drive aconvertible in the CBD as you take in the sun.I do not have the answers.Just an imaginaiton.Imagine a Kenya where everybody knew what was expected of them as a Kenyan.Imagine you are that Kenyan.When I opened my eyes, I felt renewed,I felt hopeful.